Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?