4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you