I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Pot warmers of the day.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.