[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.