Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.