I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.