Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
May have had one breakfast too many
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..