*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Grow up never but we old may grow we
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: I really need to save money
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