Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Only a mother’s love …
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.