All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”