gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Best spoiler warning ever
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.