[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Oh we’ve met.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
2022 be like
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My first child will be named New Folder.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.