Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.