[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress