Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I am patiently waiting for your email
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right