my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
pelicons
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.