My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
they split up moments later
Running from your problems is cardio .
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.