Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*