I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
#Caturday