I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.