Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Ha
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him