I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
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My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Sign at work today
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur