Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.