[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
😆this is so true
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!