My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.