You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Hank is one in a melon.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Happy Taco Tuesday
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…