[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup