Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*