I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
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I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
ok like just. call me at this point
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*