Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.