If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down