Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
You Might Also Like
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Not recommended for beginners.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.