Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
umm…
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)