[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Message from the dog groomers
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”