Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Snapes on a plane.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents