Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
You Might Also Like
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Not today, today.
Not today.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.