wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
become ungovernable