I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I enjoy a good short stor
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now