If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.