Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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Driving in Europe vs Canada
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
😂😂
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home