Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo