It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?