Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Rambo Rambow
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm