“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers