One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.