Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.