Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis