Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up