this is funnier than any friends episode
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
This could be us but you eatin’
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.