Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
can’t catch a break
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me